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April 2023 Monthly Summary

April felt like going through a full circuit obstacle course, ending at the beginning much better than I started. Despite being a reward season, this month was kind of a grind. People often think of reward seasons of rest and recompense as this blissful time when you are periphereally involved and there is no real labor. While this season IS a delight, the churning, birthing, emerging transition that is happening in the Global Church is affecting me personally and I feel a little all over the place.

Since God is heightening my internal ability to synthesize and sift (discernment), I can afford to shorten this post and posts in the future. I am hoping that as I write less, it will be good practice honing my voice to explain what I need to others.

Simple Pleasures

  • Weaving myself the first flower crown of the season! Figuring out how to incorporate daffodils for the first time. My fingers are remembering how to weave and it’s getting progressively less awkward. Frolicking.
  • Open-ended dreaming about the future, stretching myself to list out unexpressed dreams with a pre-2019 degree of freedom
  • Recent increases in angelic help (because I need it), the tangible sense of being prayed for
  • Having unstructured time again to get lightly lost in an internet rabbit trail or read books for hours. Haven’t had this kind of free time since December.
  • Early morning walks in the open land near me. As I meet with the Lord in the Garden in the Spirit, on the earth walking around in a cultivated park and field with him, the joy that comes from that “on Earth as it is in Heaven” synchrony. God knew I would need open land to walk on as part of inner healing, and he set me across the street from the perfect place. Every morning, I can literally take my mug of tea with me, walk across the street, and I’m free.
    • Flowing with the Lord in such a way that being on time to places is effortless. And where God’s using the characteristics of plants and animals to prophesy to me about what he wants to do in situations.
  • Getting further and further in physical shape, surpassing pre-COVID levels of fitness
  • My professor thanking me for having “germinated” a conversation among peers, her echoing imagery of seed beds. My spirit sighed with relief when she recognized and honored me for sowing seeds. I felt seen since sowing and distributing relates to my calling and name meaning and the specific reason God has me alive in this time period.
  • My last core course before research is with my favorite professor, using books I long to keep reading, with videos, short essays, and a very manageable final project 🙌 🥲
  • Directness as a love language. Delighting in people who also have a deep love for truth, which is communicated through extremes here in Seattle.
  • Freedom in hiddenness, being under the radar, joy in not being noticed because it means I have room to settle into a rhythm and let God determine the pace and course. Absorbing all I need.
  • Work! Not having to be better than I presently am at work. Room for my faults, such as being notoriously forgetful. Coworkers allowing me to come back to collect my things, bringing me lost objects. Being celebrated for my assets while not being judged for my faults.
    • For the sake of clarity, I’m currently working 30-32 hours a week at a retail location in Seattle so I can focus on my doctorate. I have never worked for such an ethical company or had this much fun at work! On this site, I will likely not disclose where I’m working except to close friends because past experiences with Christians levying word curses and witchcraft has made me hesitant to share more. However, I love my job so much.
    • Mastering how to make a warm and fuzzy connection with customers in 60 seconds or less
    • God bringing me new friends through work. Another Seer Prophet, 80-year neighbor with multiple theology degrees, a prospective student at my seminary, even more
    • Deliverance training with customers manifesting in front of me, staring deep into their eyes and speaking to the person on the inside that is being oppressed
    • Mastering how to tell a right-sized, 90-second funny short story, joy and warmth that draws people to my line, giving specific pastoral advice to people who need it, receiving “thank yous”
  • Seattle. Starting to really fall in love with this city. Loving how unapologetically weird the people are. Receiving impartation and being healed by the gifts in the people and in the land. As a friend, asking Jesus to bless the city with a move of God just because of how well they’ve treated me, their abundance of kindness.
  • Grateful for how fast God grows me, and the deep resilience he’s formed over years. Even in an extreme process/season, he makes the soil in me good for accelerated healing, for asking questions and learning, for absorbing lots. Even with ups and downs, grace for fast transformation.
  • God fixing roomate house dynamics through Blessing
    • Me exiting the nearby garden, returning home just in time to help my roommate move in new furniture, she had need of my help
    • Blessing us with an entire extra Instacart grocery order as a sign of his corporate provision increasing
    • A roommate who is humble, able to trade me ingredients, and receive the food I would prepare for her.

Finding my Voice

On a personal level and in ministry, my greatest challenge in April was finding my voice. After years of over-functioning, God is giving me greater confidence to articulate what I will and will not receive using imagery of pickiness with food. At the same time, Jesus is challenging me to receive things that I normally wouldn’t choose (still using food imagery), and I keep being pleasantly surprised.

In this season, I’m more aware of little interactions where I need to speak, but just starting to gain stamina in articulation. It helps to practice with tested friends who are humble and quick to listen. I’m grateful that though I’m in a transitional place, because of the tested ministry friendships I’ve built, I have the freedom to lead openly and apostolically. My team members see the grace on my life for strategy and leadership, and aren’t offended that I’m so young or that I’m still in formation.

This transition process has led me into hiddenness on purpose so that I don’t have to speak too soon. I so aspire to be the kind of leader that speaks and leads from the heart, but am so used to people noticing my gifts but not my heart. It takes a lot of courage to speak from that place, as is only fully possible with people who already know me. Despite the stretching of the season, Jesus keeps using my synchrony with his emotions to heal people at work, home, school, and church. At work, a coworker remarked, “You’re so good at that!” related to helping people open up so they can be comforted. Two of my favorite conversations from this month related to comforting a woman who had lost her sister 30+ years ago, and supporting a mom who was trying to figure out how to help her toddler know that she’s still loved as she becomes an older sister. In these early days, I run into a lot of people who are anxious, emotionally numb, or legitimately in darkness, and half of the process is learning how to meet them where they are at too, without doing too much. The grace is organically rising for courageous love (inner healing anointing, mass deliverance/inner healing), so I’m simply moving at the speed of grace.

In this season, there is a lot of imagery of building a garden with God My Mother. God keeps showing up to me as a Nurturer because I need it. He’s challenging me to simply make sure the rows of the harvest field are made straight for sowing, and that there is no crooked way that will distort the planting process.

I’m learning how to hide things from people when necessary so that they will see my heart before my gifts. Part of that decision is so that I feel respected as a person, but a greater part of it is because of my deep convictions about what is healthy and right in ministry. I’m making relational ministry a requirement in each of the spaces I’m leading, teaching members of my team how to love each other and pull well together, and be led by genuine love and concern without fear or smallness. Lord, let fearsome love define our ministry.

Highlights of the (Personal) Process:

  • Being trusted by God to determine the immigration timings, set criteria for transition for someone he dearly loves
  • Dreams, partnership with God about specific ways God wants to restore 2+ country’s national identities
    • God using my genetic link to a nation to restore that nation’s connection with its American-born descendants, relationship to America, heal it from famine
    • Synchronized timings, parallels between my family’s healing process, and specifics on how God wants to heal territory and groups
  • Getting prayer from another closed group of Prophet Friends through our monthly Zoom meet-ups. So grateful I put that group together and collected these specific people, so grateful we can do war.
  • God bringing me specific desserts in real life that I wanted, perfect weather, strategic help when I pray because he wants me to know that I’m still seen, that this inner healing season isn’t a punishment but a reward
    • For example, I had forgotten my metro card in my winter coat pocket, since we received better weather. I asked a coworker for a ride home, but he was unable. Then, I asked God to provide someone to either drive me home or help cover my bus fare. After I was already waiting at the bus stop, the same co-worker walks up, says that he’s taking the same route, asks the bus driver if he can double tap the card to cover mine, the driver says it’s fine and doesn’t charge us, and we delightfully catch up as I ride for free. These small episodes of favor are becoming an everyday occurrence because Heaven knows that I need it.
  • God opening up new doors of opportunity that are exciting but not yet shareable
  • Learning how to stack and collapse timings better for long-term words God has given me about personal life, ministry formation, etc. Multiple threads that I can layer and collapse when zooming in or out of the timeframe. Increased strength to spend 80% of my energy focusing on the present season, adding to or adapting the timeline based on present revelation.

Uncomfortable Moments:

  • As part of God healing the dynamic between a nation and America, waking up out of Watchman dreams where I am as hungry as a famine victim. Gasping for air because of the intensity of that hunger, needing to eat desperately as I come downstairs.
  • Visceral, full-body nausea for weeks whenever I tried to return to synthesizing a word for a nation whose purity is being fiercely attacked at the moment. The nausea didn’t shift until the Lord told me how to release the consecrated fire of God to consume impurity over that territory. Once that fire got released, everything flowed normally again.
  • Feeling the holy presence of God so close to heal, but him sitting directly on top of wounded places in ways that make me want to either run or punch him instinctively. Allowing myself to abide in position as God ministers to what feels like burn wounds.
  • Legitimate terror that I won’t be able to condense all the elements of my vision down into a coherent thesis project proposal for others. As I keep working on the document, things have become clearer but there was a several-week span where I would continue to write and write, and it would get longer and more detailed rather than shorter each time. Was freaking out. However, I’ve since realized that the editing and synthesizing process will be proportionate to the volume of what I have to say, and that a few extra weeks is probably reasonable given how long these convictions have been percolating inside me.
  • Extremely bored, listless, squeezy place of irritation once I felt completely emptied of previous season. So aware that I cant afford to go quickly, but lightly feeling trapped in the current timeline. Should be grateful for the process, but the temptation to see the season as a jail instead of a luxury hospital stay. And wanting to punch anyone who says I should be grateful. They can just eat it.
    • As soon as I had a few more nights of sleep and recognized that I was in the flesh, I asked God to fill me with whatever I needed for this season. And so the Lord started sending things I didn’t ask for that were surprisingly good, with the promise that the closer we get to the end of this season, the more he’d send things I most want.
  • Realizing that God is using my current housing situation as a parable about Church Reformation, and just not wanting to be a Prophet for 5 minutes. Wanting to zip myself into my hammock and pretend that I’m part of the furniture.
  • Reading excerpts of Augustine’s Confessions and wondering how I’ll ever have the courage to write autobiographical stories that are as self-revealing. Wanting to vomit all over again at the thought of that much exposure. When I think about the authentic leadership style of several Prophets I know (ex: Sarah Wren, D.), I am able to calm down.

Ministry Developments

After months of deliberate consideration alongside my mentors, this month I took steps to begin forming my team’s Prophetic Intercession for Youth and Young Prophets into its own ministry. As of today, we are hoping to continue meeting in the same once-a-month, one nation-a-month pace we’ve been developing. This decision meant that I had to formally remove my team out of the administrative structure of the organization that brought us together, and trust God with the unknown. Ultimately, leaving felt like an act of worship, entrusting the outworking of this ministry more fully to Jesus who alone knows fully where we’re going.

Highlights of Ministry Development

  • At Church: Starting to volunteer with the Youth Group at my church, being accepted as is by other Youth leaders and teens. They are eager to learn from me, and really listen when I speak because even though I seem a little weird, it’s obvious that I know what I’m talking about. Such a gracious group.
  • Youth + Young Prophets Group:
    • In response to my decision to fully surrender the outworking of the process to the Lord, God confirming in dreams that he will certainly establish the work I’m trying to launch related to Prophetic Ministry for Youth and Young Prophets. There have been moments where I wanted God to reconfirm his promise, like he reconfirmed the promise to Abraham multiple times. Fun fact: God only does that once we’ve given away everything, however, he loves to provide clarity once we are willing.
    • Ironically, more grace for apostolic building in ministry when I feel I’m at half capacity than if I were at full strength, grace to delegate, go at the pace of grace and focus on relational connection. This is the foundation that needs to be laid in order to be able to sustainably go faster later on.
    • Praying for God to increase and refine team member’s burden for the work
    • God releasing strategy for the next 5 months of ministry building, co-leading meetings with prophets in other nations to mutually prophesy into what the Lord will do in that territory among the generations. Being led by dreams about what specific nations to focus on, fruit and confirmation through other prophets.
      • Co-leading with a Prophet in France and her team, her receiving a dream our participation turning on the water from on high for the House Reformation God is doing in France. So touched by the way her daughter and daughter’s friend were prophets participating in the meeting, and that work of Intergenerational leadership.
        • Delighting in deepening new partnerships, excited for the day that I need to have translators help
    • Holy Spirit doing joy backflips in my chest during our meetings! Joy in Leadership:
      • Backing a team member to synthesize the word we’re developing for France, excited to be her extra set of eyes and give her the chance to synthesize the word with zeal. Trusting her with the assignment because of her heart, committing to simply help as she needs it.
      • Backing a team member to lead our May meeting with a leader from Denmark, we will be sending her with declarations to release when she travels there in person in June. Seeing her emerge from hiddenness, become a force.
      • Seeing the gifts of my team the more we prophesy together! Asking them things like, “Did you know you have a Breaker Anointing?” and getting to help them take early steps towards putting the pieces together. So grateful for this anointed group. Praying for them, seeing them more clearly, challenging them, learning their limits and filters, giving feedback to individuals in a group meeting, and specific bite-sized action points. God, do I love teaching.
      • They let me reel them in and release them! It’s a joy to lead.
      • Starting to figure out how to release purified water for inner healing, holy fire for deliverance when making declarations over territory/groups
    • Community Support:
      • One team member paying for us to have access to a Zoom subscription
      • God brought me our first dedicated intercessor for this group! We both mutually felt confirmation, and man is she a firehouse. So grateful to have the support.
      • This intercessor joins the 2 Prophets in this group who have been with me the longest and have become pillars, embodying Heaven’s quality standards for the group.
        • One prophet embodies God’s justice (my left hand), another prophet symbolizes his mercy (my right hand). I need them both to keep being themselves. With their help, we are steering properly.
  • My budding “Scribe’s Corner” group of 10-12+ Prophets who are called to write prophetic books, poetry, council-style national prophetic words. This month, setting up the online space, encouraging introductions, and using my constructivist Teacher-Ed background to have us collaboratively develop group norms. Seeing such sincerity and eagerness in the people that I could cry.

Low Moments

  • Discouragement. Strong temptation to quit, just coast for another 18+ months. However, I can’t manage to quit because the burden is too strong and I love my team/the future of these kids too much.
  • Isolation. Feeling alone and like a single parent trying to juggle multiple jobs. Staring at my team when I feel extravagantly stupid, nonverbally quoting Jesus in John 6:68, “Do you want to leave too?”
    • Yet, they are still here. Shared passion and the strong friendships we’ve built keep us together.
    • Furthermore, another closed group of 10-12 prophets has been sowing into us, exchanging strategies as cross-pollination, blessing us to launch, and participating in meetings. It feels good to have community agreement and help.
  • Growing Pains. Not knowing what to do with all of myself, feeling uncoordinated or needing an outlet for gifts that are latent. Feeling like an anointed mess, irritated with the parts of me that still are under formation and wanting to run fast despite having broken legs.
    • God has been showing me the on-ramp into the next season in response, as I have allowed him to tend to pre-existing wounds. Staying in one place and letting God heal me is what revealed the invisible “Jacob’s Ladder” of how to move forward.

Humor is my daily bread. As I felt as mismatched, delirious, and irritable as these lowlights suggest, I stumbled upon this meme and spent several days laughing so hard I couldn’t breathe.

Family Reformation

God is noticeably reforming my family. One of my favorite stories from this month involves my dad.

In March, I described how God has used the relationship between me and my dad to reform my family since childhood. From what I can tell, since my dad’s family is full of writers, God loves to have us embody ridiculous stories because he knows we’ll probably write about it. Brace yourself, this story is also ridiculous.

In March, my dad and aunt were on a Carribean Island. My estranged but rich brother had bought a property on the island to turn into a guest house on Air-bnb, and my dad and aunt had flown down to help restore the property in exchange for a vacation.

Before traveling, my dad and aunt started wrestling with whether to sell the family home in middle-of-nowhere Iowa so they could permanently live in paradise. God had brought my dad home to Iowa because he wanted to do a work in his heart, but after a long and harsh winter, they both felt restless. My dad was longing for more.

In calculating my brothers’ capacity, their responsibility to their families (who likely wouldn’t be able to fly to visit), the health insurance costs, and the way their children still needed them to show up and be parents, my dad and aunt chose Iowa. My dad reflected on what he felt was still lacking in his life, and repented of times where he’d been a terrible husband and father. He apologized to me and to my siblings. And for the first time in 4+ years, he made sure that fear and shame would not stop him from calling my twin sister and I on our birthday. Well done.

Watching my dad choose not to run away from home made me think about how much I long to see people redeemed. Redemption is such a big part of my story, and part of the heart of God. I think about the parable of the Prodigal son, and how much was restored in my relationship with my dad over the last decade because takes accountability. I admire his willingness to change and admit that he didn’t do the right thing at first. I’m quietly praying that God would use my life to rescue even more broken people, because of knowing that degree of redemption firsthand. God has been so gracious to me when I didn’t deserve it, he has gradually cleaned me up. I just want to see other people know that there is no mess he can’t redeem.

Worship

Names for God

These are the ways I’ve been perceiving the Lord this month:

  • Jesus, the Warrior
  • Jesus, the Most Beautiful
  • John 14:8-9 God who knows the Heart
  • God of External Circumstances
    • Asking God to send external circumstances to prompt healing without determining what those should be
      • God who Heals (external)
      • God who Chastens
    • Grateful that I don’t have to decide, but can ask him to respond externally as he sees fit. Remembering a time where he explicitly asked me for my input in determining the redemption process with a former boss, where I got to choose mercy. Grateful for how that season prepared me to intercede.
  • Jesus, the Tree of Life
  • The God of Water and Fire
    • Considering Gregory of Nyssa’s Contemplation on the Life of Moses, how a heart on fire for God is like a burning bush
    • Considering water as a sign of cleansing, purity (James 3:11), healing words
      • People can’t get clean with dirty water
      • People can’t see themselves reflected rightly in the Kingdom unless the water is clean, pure
    • Times where I feel God beginning to call me to release his consecrated fire, his cleansing water through embodiment
      • Sense of burning (fire) or antiseptic (water) in the center of my chest
      • Asking God to open the eyes of my heart so that I can discern how to impart different things
      • Entering into Seeing in the Spirit by sensing Jesus’ emotions, internal sense of what he wants to release, the fruit that comes after

Verses

  • Psalm 81, especially verses 6:10, as someone who is experiencing how God redeems nations after famine.
  • Habakkuk 2:20, The Severity of the Moment
    • “The LORD is in his holy temple; let all the earth be silent before him. “
  • Luke 1-3, thinking about the Intergenerational Response to Christ on my team for Youth + Young Prophets, grateful for elders who stand in the gap sacrificially
    •  Thinking of Mary (Luke 1:52), and how a high degree of favor will always come with a proportionate high degree of cost. At least she perceived the cost. Even so, she still welcomed the Lord.
  • Hanging out a lot in the Parable of the Good Samaritan, the Prodigal Son
    • Believing that not the Samaritan, by the distant neighbors on the sidelines were the most wounded in the story
    • Likewise, the sons in the house who hadn’t achieved repentance were most in need of the Father
    • Wondering about the hidden parts of our stories, the hidden characters who represent least engagement with the. divine
      • Hiddenness for the sake of connection with God (leaving some aspects undisclosed) vs. Hiddenness as demonic hiding
    • What is hidden will come into the light, not in fear but because what God reveals, he heals
    • Grace for the immature, the fearful, the territorial, the excluded to receive healing

Favorite Worship Music

All I need is You – Hillsong United

As I trust God with the unknown this month, I keep remembering what it was like when I first chose Jesus nearly a decade ago. There is such a deep sense of being drawn back to similar music; a renewal of commitment to this long-term process of transformation. As I’m aware of God healing what feel like burn wounds in the spirit, I’m grateful for God of the Long Process, for the deliberateness of the decisions that he’s led me to, for the way that he makes it possible to keep comprehensively choosing him. The love is deeper than it was in the beginning, but I still like to look back on that time.

“You Love me Anyways” – Sidewalk Prophets

Resonating with God’s heart for redemption. Relating to what it is to reject Jesus, remembering times in my life where I was the one to reject him. Recogizing that in this season, I’m receiving Jesus’ reward that I could never have earned. This season of simply tilling the ground, letting the rows be in straight lines so that the right things can be sown, so that I can find the ingredients I need to birth the right thing and not give birth to a disaster. Such a desire to do well and see life be the outcome. Abiding in the Lord who brings all good things to life.

Repurposing Secular Music

“Strong Enough” by Sheryl Crow

I was in a cafe working on my (doctoral) research proposal when I was caught off guard by the vulnerability of this song. To be honest, I hadn’t really heard it before, but was really touched.

I was listening to the lyrics, thinking about how I’d re-write them to worship Jesus. Jesus is the one who teaches us how to be strong when we’re scared. Man or woman, he is the one who is strong enough to handle the entirety of the mess. Any measure of strength we have, any amount of courage to speak truthfully to each other has to come from him. True strength is knowing you need his help, and relying on it.

Media

Books

The Final Quest by Rick Joyner

My Seattle mentor let me borrow this book, and man is it an excellent tool for discernment and repentance. I love that Rick Joyner allowed himself to risk rejection in writing a series of prophetic visions into a book. I read this book in a Seattle hot chocolate shop while sitting near Dungeons and Dragons players, and loved how the similar imagery would resonate with their hearts.

“Spiritual maturity is always determined by our willingness to sacrifice our own desires for the interests of the kingdom or for the sake of others. The door that requires the most sacrifice will always take us to the highest level.”

page 82

“We have witnessed many wonders since the creation. But the voluntary suffering of men for the Lord and for their fellow man is the greatest wonder of all. We, too, must fight and even suffer at times, but we dwell where there is such light and glory that it is very easy to do this.

When we see men and women choose to suffer for a hope that they can only dimly see in their hearts, it causes even the greatest of angels to bow their knee and gladly serve those heirs of salvation. We marvel at the dedication of you who dwell with so little encouragement in a place of such darkness and evil.”

page 100

“I was motivated more by hatred for the enemy than by the desire to set my brothers free. Since coming to the mountain and fighting in the great battle, I now think that most of the right things I did, I did for the wrong reasons, and many of the wrong things I did, I had good motives for. The more I learn, the more unsure of myself I feel.”

page 78

Movies

The Sound of Music

I had a strong impulse to revisit the Sound of Music this month even before Spring frolicking weather hit me. Man does that movie hit differently as an adult!

I can so relate to Julie Andrews’ sense of being not quite sure what to do with yourself (in terms of context), ministry of joy, overseriousness in trying to put puzzle pieces together, eagerness to serve God, love for children and music. God bamboozled me in watching the film, because I had forgotten all the plotlines related to relationships and relational dynamics. Nevertheless, watching the movie as an adult gave me a much deeper appreciation for how the film portrays them.

Prayer Requests

  • Greater perceptivity. The grace to listen with my eyes, ears, senses all at once and be comprehensively more tuned into God’s emotions in the moment (specifically on the cash register). My baseline reactions to be deeply tactful and quick.
  • Gradual release into leadership. The right gradual progress of increasing leadership and capacity; not too much too soon. Continuing to lean into the process of God helping me discover tools for ministry in hidden places.
  • Right refilling. Now that I’ve fully poured out what I had, grace to continue to absorb what I need, to discover new favorite things, to continue in the progression that leads towards growth.
  • An abundance of love. Love grants us endurance to find our way through the eye of the needle, which feels like this season. Love to be able to overcome and to build rightly.
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Published by Haley Nus

Hello! Formerly of Kansas, and Washington, DC, I am an emerging voice in Holy Spirit-led youth ministry. This site contains emergent apostolic strategy, prophetic words, and tutorials for the interdenominational, international, and charismatic Church and Educational Sector. Check out more on my journey with 5-fold ministry, doctoral study, and travel through my Monthly Summaries. I take Jesus's invitation to welcome children in his name (Luke 9:48) and Jesus's exhortation to become like children literally (Mathew 18:3). In order to shape the world well for adults, we must serve the youngest among us so that we will truly understand who we are as sons and daughters (2 Corinthians 6:18).]

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