July 2023 has been a month of transition and preparation. While I have spent time getting to know a handful of friends, I took fewer pictures this month in order to focus on what God has been doing at the moment and navigate an intense season day by day.
This month, I spent a lot of time out of doors…near lakes, gardens, and quiet places. Meeting with God outside has been a constant reminder that no matter where I am or what is happening, I can enter into his rest.
Leaving the Old House
As I arrived at seminary for a week in June, I noticed several things were special about my accommodation. First, I realized that I was able to worship freely in the space, instead a culture of silence or praiselessness. Secondly, I noticed that the water pressure in the shower was much higher than my living arrangements, which made it easier to get clean. In my heart, I told the Lord that I would love to be in a place where I could have more peace to worship and receive. I also felt that this imagery of water, purification, and healing was related to John 7:37-39, Revelation 7:13-17 Rivers of living water that God wants to pour out over Seattle as a city. These waters will release life and flourishing, redeeming the city from every wrong identity and curse associated with it.
As I came back to Seattle, God made it clear that in order to receive a truer expression of community, I would need to leave the shared living, rental situation I have been in and allow him to take me on a new journey to the new house. As imagery of construction workers, contractors, real estate agents, and landlords being a constant theme in my dreams over the past 3 years, it didn’t surprise me that God would use events in my personal life not just as a sign of the inner healing and reformation process he was doing in me, but in my family, region, and ministry. The number of dreams God has sent about how he wants to strategically restructure relationships between Apostles, Prophets, Shepherds, and the Church has been an ongoing vehicle for prophecy. In these dreams, he’s been showing me not just what it means to leave old methods of ministry, but what it means to receive new expressions that will become a tree of life.
Courage to Receive the New Story
Early in the process of moving, I did not think I would have the strength to go through so much more adjustment. Having just returned from Seminary with my research proposal approved, I was hoping to simply rest and delight in a month of more relaxed writing. But in order to get to a more secure position where I would be able to receive more from God, I had to choose to give God permission to take me on a journey that may lead me to new land, new people, new levels of cost, and new challenges. Would God really give me the strength?
God found various ways to encourage me. He sent me exciting dreams about going on an adventure, reminding me that he still loves exploring with me. He sent a check in the mail for $13.22, reminding me not to fear the cost.
A good person leaves an inheritance for their children’s children,
Proverbs 13:22
but a sinner’s wealth is stored up for the righteous.
He sent a customer to the store where I work, who fully checked out and then asked me to name anything in the store, that he would buy for me. While the customer was definitely flirting, it made me smile but I didn’t take it too seriously. Instead, I received a large package of strawberries and the reminder that God really will go out of his way to provide and give me joy.
In the last year, God lined up various emerging and established leaders, and he asked each one what they were willing to receive. As the Father lined his children up to receive their inheritance, we each had to decide how much we wanted to receive from Heaven, and what price we were willing to pay in the long process of refinement. Though some people decided to receive a simple measure, I wanted more for myself and more for my children. I wanted higher quality food than popular fast food and recognized that I would need to plant a garden myself. God has continued to help me establish this garden, and he’s bringing in experts and colaborers to continue what he started. My ministry children and biological children will receive nothing but the best from Heaven, and God will give double honor to me.
Free to Choose
In the process of looking for housing [this month], God told me that I could choose anything I wanted. In the beginning, that much freedom frightened me, as I am so used to living in narrow places and narrow seasons of life where I’ve had to make do with what has been available. In my current day job, the experience of working in a storehouse where there is constant provision has gradually given me practice in choosing what I want and rejecting what I don’t. I’m still not perfectly strong, but my internal filter and voice is getting gradually stronger since about April. As I’ve taken steps forward, life and ministry have started to move faster again. In the beginning, I was worried that it would be as intense as in 2022 when I was following God as a whirlwind. In 2022, I never felt worn out because there was grace to move quickly and a specific assignment. However, I know that I am in this season not yet ready for full intensity. God has told me that will quicken my spirit and send greater angelic activity when that time of increased movement comes. In the meantime, God keeps showing me that I can trust him in this current season. He won’t give me more than I can receive. As things have picked up slowly, God keeps bringing people around me to help. He has brought mentors, intercessors, and cheerleaders from various nations and their unique personalities have been a gift.
Free to Share
God told me that he’d send additional resources from Heaven if I wanted to live alone, but also cautioned me about the cost. I decided that I wanted to live in a place where there was a larger kitchen. God gave me the courage to believe that I would be able to resist false responsibility for others. He showed me that I would be able to identify and share with those who could share resources with me, and allow me to share my food with them. But to be very selective about who I bring into an Acts 2 expression of ministry and that I’d know intuitively. Instead of being afraid of rejection or loss, God put me in some extreme situations this month where I was able to hold my ground, use compassion, and ultimately protect my boundaries, revealing that my internal filter was stronger than I thought. As someone who still sometimes gets overwhelmed by the darkness that I see in others, he taught me how to acknowledge times of horror, press in for compassion, and hold the standard in myself to know how to respond (or ignore and get distance from) others’ limits. This capacity to have a stronger filter aligned with words he’d given me about being so pure that I could go into any dark situation, fearless and with wisdom, completely unaffected but shining a light. I believe that this year, he is allowing me to take progressive steps toward that vision with the guarantee that none of Seattle’s darkness or perversion will ultimately intimidate me.
Free to Rest
He prompted me to explore a shared living situation that was similar to the intergenerational, gentle, land-stewardship, shared building that I see him establishing in the Global Church, but challenged me to ensure that I was building with people who truly valued purity. When individuals in that house interrogated me about my politics and beliefs about sexual purity, he made it clear that I needed to build elsewhere. He also wanted me to not have to do a lot of shared cooking or cleaning for other people (as would be required) but has wanted me to focus on receiving for myself and only share my gifts with people who are worthy.
Though I was initially attracted to that house because I saw ways it paralleled God’s current activity in the Global Church and Prophetic Movement, God told me that he’d teach me things about land stewardship and intergenerational community through friends and mentors I already have. Similar to when he told me to stop learning Portuguese or Italian in May, he told me to conserve my strength and allow him to add more people who could provide support, instead of trying to do too much myself.
God wants me to be able to rest, receive, and to some extent, give in right measure. My favorite place in the city to rest in Seattle is Green Lake, a circuitous route of trails, ducks, and water. Just like when I used to visit the Zoo on my days off in DC, I always feel drawn to be near Greenlake on my days off in Seattle, which may be a reflection of the work of cleansing God is doing regionally.
One day when I was circling Green Lake, I felt my spirit yearning for the opportunity to be closer to this area a more significant portion of the time. At the same time, there has been a landlord I’ve been getting to know and respect. While the first two places haven’t been clean or healthy enough for me to feel comfortable, he has been patient with me. He shared a third option in a nicer house that would open up in September. I would have an enormous 10×20 foot downstairs space to myself, live in a quiet cottage with roommates, and be just a 10-minute walk from Green Lake. I was also excited to find out that the location is just a 15-minute walk from my church, which would allow me to keep receiving and gradually investing in the community.
Initially, the proximity to the church made me excited, but scared. As someone who has been taken advantage of by previous employers or churches and has internalized pressure to give too much, I wanted to be closer geographically and relationally but wasn’t sure they would honor my limits. As I kept meeting with pastors and friends to get prayer for the moving process, it became clear that these people would be gentle enough to receive what I am able to share, but strong enough to not expect too much. In having more confidence that they would shelter and honor me, I have felt the freedom to accept the proximity and continue to let God show me what he wants for the new house, whatever that comes to mean.
Accepting Transition
Part of what makes it hard to summarize July is the reality that even still, this house may not be the right fit. The Lord may continue to extend this process, and he may have better fruit to bring out of it than I currently know about. He keeps reassuring me that his spirit is with me, that he will help, and not to fear (Haggai 2). He reminds me that even if he adds more to this process, he will save me and deliver me into the new, more glorious thing (Malachi 3:17). God is aware of my practical needs, and he cares. Even still, he says, “Rest. Trust.”
Am I willing to continue going on the journey, if this is only a pit stop? Will I have the humility to continue being led, the courage to rest in uncertainty, and peace that still allows me to enter into his joy?
At a time where it’s not possible to project confidence, is it enough that he is God?
Removing Every Wrong Storyline
Regardless of where we end up, the lessons of the process can’t be taken from me. In giving me choice instead of obligation, individual responsibility and careful co-laboring instead of usury, and rest in community instead of isolation, God has positioned me to live out the February 2023 prophetic word he gave me on house reformation in the Prophetic Movement. To be honest, this is probably for the best. He never obligated me to live out this storyline, but is making it a tree of life and a fruit of the personal process I’ve been walking out to pursue him and community. I believe that this move is ultimately about what I need to receive personally, but that God will use the fruit from it in ministry.
When God invites you to live a story, he will take you on a journey of discovering what that story is. He will remove every false storyline like ill-fitting clothes and dress you in a plot that is more consistent with what Heaven is singing. He makes our lives into celebrations, and he himself comes down to celebrate with us.
That being said, we all have a choice about what we will receive from Heaven. God has so much he wants to give to his children, but many of us are fearful. We are afraid to give up control and allow God to take us on a journey because we don’t trust who he is (Parable of the Talents, Matthew 25:14-30). In my life, Heaven keeps reminding me that God wants my life story to be “Favored Child, Favored Daughter.” He is protective and will keep my heart safe, but I have to let him be the one to advance me.
The perfect will of God is a Cloud that Moves. God is looking for people who are willing to go on the journey and live with him, as a protagonist, so that he might be reflected in their lives. He will always make it worth our while if we are willing to allow him to take us on a journey. We will face increased challenges but magnificent rewards, and he himself will be the one who is guiding. To love God fully, you have to be willing to move as he is moving, whether that means slowing down, speeding up, changing geography, etc. He wants the very best for our lives and challenges us to go on the journey that will allow us to receive it.
Remaining in Transition: Knowing the Time, Geography, and Scope
Overall, I am sensing that the timeline of me moving into the new house God is building in ministry wont happen in the Spirit until October. I still get the sense that I’ll be moving into a new place in the natural in September, but that October will be an intense season of increased visitation and some wild experienecs with God. Right now, I’m trying to get myself in order and not move too quickly. I’m grateful that God is giving me August to transition. Like the rest of this year, I am far from arriving, but God is encouraging me to eat a full meal on the bus. While I still sometimes get afraid and take on false responsibility for the reformation process, God keeps inviting me into his rest, and transforming me from a place of relaxed union. As of today, slowing down and making sure that I have what I need to move inot the new season is my goal for August. It requires things like routine wardrobe updates, a new haircut, going to routine medical appointments, catching up with friends, and investing in my ministry team. I’m hoping to have a delightful time and take myself to the zoo and some other places because I need some joy to make this season less of a gauntlet.
As I went through this “looking for housing’ process, I asked God to give me clarity about my specific scope and season. I know that I will be in Seattle atleast until August 2024, if not another year on top of that. I know that in this season, God is still challenging me to prioritize quality of life and balance, focus on how I relate to community, expand my skill sets, develop maturity, and develop resources. I understand that at this time, God doesn’t want me near full time ministry, but is giving me a season of preparation so that I can absorb various important pieces that I need to make my career in ministry and my future organization(s) successful.
Beyond just this season, I understand my age. I know that 29 is an important transitional year for me in a lot of ways, and I need to respond wisely to the challenges God puts in front of me so that I can emerge properly. I am aware that God is doing a work of inner healing specific to my maternal line, and that the ripple effects of what he does in me are having the effect of changing that sides’ legacy. I am aware that God is using me and my family as a litmus test of grace for inner healing that he is pouring out over the region.
I recognize that in the Global Church, God is focused on aligning and restructuring relationships, releasing life, and for that reason uses a lot of garden imagery. However, here in Seattle, God is focused on using purity, inner healing ministry, and worship as a means of tapping into the global grace he’s pouring out for refreshing and life. In my local ministry context, I am watching as individuals choose to opt into God’s work of House Reformation by choosing to align with people that might not normally have anything in common with, but for Jesus. I’m grateful for my Church and pastors, who care so much about the people’s well-being that they are pushing the Church into holiness and increased visitation.
In the Global Church, there is a season of war and increased warfare coming, but it will only take place after the garden season has come to full stature. God is wooing people with this garden season so that they will develop such deep roots and strong relationships that the Church will be ready. God is after true expressions of community and is dismantling comfort in order to invite people into shared vulnerability and dependence on him. He is increasing the pressure through the end of the year so that we will make decisions that we would never otherwise make.
I am aware of the ministry groups where I can simply be myself, and other opportunities that will require me to learn a new skill set. I’m becoming more aware of how to approach leaders and ministries, but I will need to keep practicing over the next few months to fine-tune my responses. I need to practice saying less and watching more, as well as being very careful what I disclose as to not endanger myself, my people, and the mission God has in specific situations. I absolutely have to be a good steward of this current season by becoming more observant, letting God purify me, not moving too fast for my team to thrive, and learning the cultural norms of rnew regions so that I will be in shape for the next season. Operating out of God’s grace/compassion and Romans 12 genuine love is meant to be my motivation, which is not hard to do because I genuinely like people. However, in order to move from this place, I need to take it slow and so that I am not stressed out and distrracted/striving. My next season relates to a faster pace and more intense circumstances, so if I botch this opportunity to rest and receive I will feel overly fragile later on.
Ministry Update
In addition to the stress of navigating finding housing, my family got some bad news this month. One morning as I was at my mom’s house, I noticed that our dog Molly looked very sick. I warned my mother, “If you don’t take that dog to the [animal] hospital, today, she is going to die.” My mom left the house, the Holy Spirit sent conviction, she turned back around, took the dog to the animal hospital, and just like that, we found out that Molly (age 7) has lung cancer.
As I’ve prayed over the dog, cried, and considered her energy levels, I’ve tried to understand what is in her best interest. While I would love it if God to heals her so that she can have a rich and full life, I don’t want to pressure her to stay with us. I’m praying that God gives her the will to live and her body the grace to be fully healed from the illness. She’s currently on pain medicine and steroids and has made some improvement in terms of energy levels and interactions. However, she’s struggling with incontinence and balance. While I would love to see her healed, in how I pet her, talk to her, and pray, I’m doing my part to make it clear that she has my permission if she needs it, to go. I believe in the resurrection and the sacredness of life, but I also believe Molly should have some choice. I hate feeling so helpless in the face of death, but just want to do what is in her best interest.
Positive
- Being more vulnerable with friends at Church and at work about the housing search process and Molly’s cancer has strengthened our friendships. Out of the overflow of what I’m already processing, it’s also been an accurate model to coworkers about the realities of suffering and loss within Christians’ lives. I’ve found a lot of solidarity with people and they are more able to relate to who God is in the process than if I dressed things up or failed to include them in this. I’m not always great at asking for help, so it’s progress.
- Continuing to show up to volunteer with the teen’s ministry despite still feeling awkward with this age group. Finding slow moments to make personal connections, making dumb jokes, playing football, learning names, and being more myself.
- Setting up a timetable of 2023-2024 monthly meetings for Youth and Young Prophets’ Network (YYPN)
- Beginning to plan YYPN’s first core team retreat in Western France (for next year). Asking people at my church for help, to share stories and whatever wisdom they have about retreat planning.
- Friends who love me and let me off the hook, covering my responsibilities when I need to rest
- The quality and patience of my network of people
Challenging
- Spiritual warfare. Specifically, the enemy using squeezy pressure to try to strangle new life out of this regional move of God in Seattle and among youth. Encounters where I’ve had to command the enemy to release me, my family, and my church.
- Waiting
- Fear of the Lord in getting my life together so I can respond well to the opportunities of this present season
Worship
Questions
- How nerve-wracking was it for Moses to be trained by God to work increasing levels of miracles in preparation for the parting of the Red Sea? How did he feel when it started? How did he manage to trust God in the middle of the process and keep his eyes on the mission instead of the obstacles?
- How is Jesus inviting the Church into Embodiment through his light yoke, instead of a lens of pressure and obligation?
- How can we in the Church truly choose one another?
Names of God
- Jesus, who gives me the Courage to Choose
Secular Music
Worship Music
Media
Youtube
Books
- Perelandra – C.S. Lewis
- The Culture Code – Daniel Coyle
- pg 54 “Food and wine aren’t just food and wine. They’re [a] vehicle to make and sustain a connection.”
- pg 55 “One misconception about highly successful cultures is that they are happy, lighthearted places. This is mostly not the case. They are energized and engaged, but at their core their members are oriented less around achieving happiness than around solving hard problems together. This task involves many moments of high-candor feedback, uncomfortable truth-telling, when they confront the gap between where the group is, and where it ought to be…”
- pg 55 “What is the best feedback made of?”
- “I’m giving you these comments because I have very high expectations and I know that you can reach them.”
- pg 56 “That’s it. Just nineteen words. None of these words contain any information on how to improve. Yet they are powerful because they deliver a burst of belonging cues. Actually when you look more closely at the sentence, it contains three separate cues.
- 1. You are part of this group.
- 2. This group is special, we have high standards here.
- 3. I believe you can reach those standards.
- pg 54 Belonging cues
- “1. Personal, up close communication (body language, attention, and behavior that translates as I care about you)
- 2. Performance feedback (relentless coaching and criticism that translate as We have high standards here)
- 3. Big picture perspective (larger conversations about politics, history, and food that translate as Life is bigger than basketball)”
Movies
Prayer Requests
- Courage to continue in the refinement journey and to have a strong heart/internal filter
- Wisdom to navigate new opportunities well, humility to stretch and grow
Age of the Unexpected 